A Life Conflicted

Today has been just over 2 months since my mother passed away and 21 years since my father passed away.   I loved my mother from a safe, safe distance; however my love for my father was and still is so close to heart.   I was 22 when he passed.  My life with him is almost passed by my life without him; physically.  However since my 22^nd year my daddy has been with me in my heart every day.  I can’t say the same for my mother.

I’ve been on a fabulous two week European vacation with my partner and his three daughters.  It was wonderful to see these beautiful little women love up their daddy from time to time.  Although I am in my 40’s I wish I could still love up my daddy the same way.  His loss in my life has left a void that I know today can never be filled, but it is not a black hole, it is one that shed’s light and helps me see that I still have a lot of love to share and give.  And because if his generous spirit I am able to love.  If I had solely my mother’s love as an example in my life, I would certainly not be half the person I am today.

My mother was not capable to see me as a person separate from her and her needs.  And this confused me for many years.  There was a moment when we were driving home from the airport that my immediate automatic worrisome thought of my mother came to mind.  The thought of is she well, is she suffering or sick – is she going to call to yell at me for not calling her.  A heartbeat later I realized that I need not worry about her anymore.  She is now in a place of peace.  For that I feel relief.

I will go visit my father’s grave and place flowers and spend time at the place that he personally picked because of its view over the freeway.  His passion was to drive.  I know he is with me in my heart but I’ve come to see now  his grave is a place of public honor for him and for many years I would not go because he was not there because I personally grieved for him in my “own” way.  Today I feel different today.

For someone who aspires to be a writer, I sure as hell don’t write.

Although my life has been considerably less stressful, I am still living in a stress-filled head.  I am sleeping better, feels like I am recharging my batteries and gaining strength.  I have been eating better and working out 2 to 3 times a week.  Happier with the results my body has shown with the work-out.

However, my mind continues with the list of things I should be doing.  Is that right?  If my mind does not does my life go into inertia?  So again another conflict to confront; do nothing do I become nothing? Do everything do I become perfect? Have I’ve done enough to be enough for now?

It doesn’t feel that way.

I have joined a new gym for the 4th time in my life.  And I am finding myself not loving the act of exercise….

It takes an exorbitant amount of energy to get my ass to the gym – but yet while I am there, I give my 150%.  Major opposites – Major Conflict.  I don’t know if this is complaining but I do not like the way my body feels that day after a work-out.  I don’t like the fact that my face refuses to release perspiration yet it ramps up to a heated fire engine red.

I do have a goal of loosing 20 lbs by September 1st and I understand that in order to do this I need to work-out a cardio routine everyday.  I’ve yet to do a full 5 day in a row.  The best has been 3 straight days of cardio.

Another issue is that when I loose the 20 lbs – yes I will do it! – do I have to maintain the level of muscle soreness to maintain the weight loss?  I am not happy with this added weight – I love my body – but am not in love with my body especially the way I bulge out of fun clothes.  Fun clothes being my confidence in wearing anything from a t-shirt and jeans to a wonderful Bagdley Mischa dress.

I am feeling discouraged and unmotivated, yet I really want this to happen with no more pain…….Ha ha ha.

Denial – is that what it is?  Denial that I can really change my life?  Denial that my life (health, body) really need a change?  I feel so desperate for any sense of peace and calm and tranquility that when it is so obvious in my life that I have a lot of it, I still run around as if my life will be taken from me at any moment.  One break-through I did experience recently is that I want to punch, punch and keep punching the shit out of someone/something (most likely my mother).  My right arm and shoulder are always poised to hit and keep hitting.  As I am experiencing this break-through, re-living my small existence of a 5  year old being hit by my mother – the difference in this break-through is that now I see that same 5 year old   now having the strength and ability to hit my mother back – in fact to punch her – again and again and again.  In realization I immediately feel guilty because my persona of “always being the good girl” immediately associates this behavior as bad and good girls never do that, all the while I am told that it is natural to want to hit someone back after I have experienced so much violence.

Monkey see Monkey do?

Obviously not because I never struck my mother.  And never will.  And one constant that I live by is that I never want to be like her.  I’ve not had children, I am very conscious not to become an alcoholic or addict, I try very hard to be patient and supportive of most everyone around me and I don’t shop for the sake of shopping.  But her constant critical voice and disapproving opinions still haunt me and at times I have heard that same tone come out of my voice and lash at those around that I love. Ugh I feel frustrated and angry and held back.  Emotions of not enough and never being enough come bouncing all on me, but of course enough for who?  the same disapproving tone is re-lived and here is the test; what do I do about it – whine and whimper or apply what I have learned and carve a new path…

Ok so I do not know how to put this in words but I am really upset about the fact that my friend and co-worker has been laid off. I will miss her very much. I am worried that she has not found another job. I am so concerned for her well being and future; although I hope she is resilient this is still a big blow to her. And I couldn’t stop it. The powerlessness of that is at the base of why I want another job. I hate feeling this way – powerless and unable to save her. The injustice she has experienced by a fear driven malicious man is torture and I want no part of it anymore. It really hurts because she has done nothing but work hard and be committed to this job and has been dismissed as if she has nothing to offer.

I want out I want a change. God help me find a good change! I don’t want to be in place where I am in constant difference with my boss – where I say blue and says red. Contradiction is the constant and I can’t stand it. I tried 2 years and no more…please no more.

As her last day draws nearer I feel an impending feeling of doom lingering. Not as palpable as she is feeling because I have seen her suffer as well. The increasing pressure and exaggerations of how powerless and ineffective I was to save her is becoming more real. Paralyzing me as an exhibit of my feelings.

I need help in getting through this. Today I’ve had more good cry about it. And today I lay these words. Its not enough and I am angry.