Balance
February 5, 2012
Month two of a new year and the list of items to be completed is growing yet I am trying to keep myself out of judgement and out of the outcome and feelings. The difference being is I am trying to increase the muscle of honoring where I am and not who I need or have to be or accomplish. You know, the difference in human doing and human being.
In fact, with the year beginning in pain and aches, I have been forced to take the extra time and slow down but I am in a state of conflict, I can see that each time I teeter-totter towards the self abuse and push, I breath deeply and balance it with a grain of self acceptance. Thus trying to honor where I am today.
I want to accomplish in this year writing a short story or novela worthy of being published and I want to begin volunteering somewhere I can help make a difference and give me a sense of purpose. I also need to honor my current commitments to organize and streamline the office I do inhabit two to three days a week. The judgement comes in the first two items I want to accomplish this year I have wanted to get to for the last 2 years. And if I keep looking back and beating myself up for not accomplishing before keeps me in the conflict. So the strive for balance continues and I hope to use this platform as a way to keep myself in check,with out judgement!!
Tragic
February 2, 2012
why do I fall again and again back to this fucking tragic tortured soul persona? I hate it. It makes me sick to think that my automatic reflex is fall to this pitiful woes me state of mind in hopes it compels people to love me – would them pity my existence. pity my childhood, pity me. Pity is not Love. Love is not pity but yet I go for it each time. and whose fault or reasoning or blame – no one by my own. I maintain this trajectory – this neural path – this no thought default alive – and I am sick of it.
Yeah I have fears – I get sad and I know loneliness – but so does everyone else…..I am not special but i default to tragedy time and time again to make me special to make others propel my special needs. To define me.
I’m tired.
2011 Ended on a HIGH – 2012 Began with a LOW
January 25, 2012
So I was super successful in my endeavors in bringing joy and more people into the home I live. But before I could host the party I had to bring the home back out from under spider webs and gray, dusty chandeliers. All this prep work began subconsciously and consciously in October 2011. And it was pretty much a full time job. We hired an actual cleaning woman (although keeping the existing one is painful). There were countless pieces of silver to polish and for the sheer idiotic fact I will not mention how many chandeliers there were to be cleaned by expert window washers (who will return in the Spring once the raining has ceased) All this work of making sure each room was dusted, vacuumed, all the bathrooms immaculately cleaned, floors polished etc etc. And thus all this culminated to a wonderful Christmas Party where the food was a hit as was all the lovely company. It may now be an annual event. (Much to my happy surprise).
It was a fabulous time and I loved it. And my health was great – no ache’s – no flare-ups – no RA. I was feeling fabulous.
However, January started and I have been in a low awful ache each day. And I can’t get around it…I am completely stumped and pissed-off at the same time. I am tired of hurting. Eat morning before I even open my eyes I will move my body and immediately feel the pain in my knees or in my shoulders or in my hand. My pain in my hands is a trip. It’s not just the knuckles that are in your hands at the base of your fingers, but the knuckles in the middle of each finger and hurt – I am exhausted. The shitty thing is by the end of the day I feel better and the ache has subsided so I fall asleep with the expectation that tomorrow when I wake up I will feel whole again only to have the pain travel to another part of my body!!
On January 12, 2006 I was diagnosed with RA – 6 years ago. I do believe this disease is a marker to show how I feel on the inside – that my psyche wants people to know how I ache on the inside – so my immune system attacks my joints. I just don’t have the wherewithall to understand right now what it is that I am beating myself up with. Am I in a fog with my insights? Usually I am not one to fear or run away from challenges and this has been a repeated daily challenge with no ease or release of pain. All I could imagine is to create some sort of structure in my daily life with morning stretches, meditation and writing and hope that I can put an end to this nagging ache.
Perhaps my self nagging nature of how I am not accomplishing anything daily towards my goal of writing my book is the catalyst of joint pain. Only one way to determine if that is true. Write every day. I already have the outline…..
Finding the right speed
November 1, 2011
When working out with the trainer on Monday both of us being Aries discussed how energetic and pushy we can be. We also discussed honoring ourselves as we are today. I immediately stepped away from honor and picked-up shame as I see that I continue to expect my level of drive and energy to be that of many years ago. So in learning on how the honor myself now and I struggle with accepting my now slower less productive self.
For instance last week I went on an awesome hike and I loved it. When I got home, I took a 2 hour nap. I was very disappointed in myself – extremely because I succumbed to being tired. Years ago I could ski for hours and party all night and get up and thrive again and again and again. Now a two hour hike kicks my ass.
It feel limited in my life style and my life abilities. So how do I come to terms with slowing down and in honoring who I am today. from going 90 m,p,h. to say 45??
still on the herbs
September 23, 2011
I’ve continued consistently with the herbs supplements and with having breakfast each morning, without an appetite. My initial emotions this morning was of continued overwhelm, “everything is too much of an effort” but after I observed the thought, I put it aside, showered, meditated and make breakfast and allotted my herbs for the day. I still feel overwhelmed. Everything still feels like a chore and extra effort. I know I have more energy in body than I give it credit so I will also be doing some physical exercise just the same to awaken that part of me.
Today I am instilling a new weekly regimen to our life her at the house. I have hired a new cleaning/organizing person to help me get the very necessary projects completed around this house – since the existing institutionalized person has no ability to focus to detail. My new person has the same name as I and is a little younger as well as the niece to the current person. I am excited about getting this house truly organized and cleaned from the inside out and releasing me of some the anguish I have felt while here. I actually got the thumbs up by J for wanting to organize this place.
Our first agenda is to clean out the pantry and cupboards in kitchen, as well as our refrigerators. Tomorrow I start a whole new diary free, gluten free diet. I will be on this for the next 6 weeks to really see if I can truly jump-start my body back into fixing itself and healing. I need to be and WANT to be well. I have a lot to live for and truly an a happy person. Most of the time but now I am full of fear and dread that if this does not happen then again I will be on one more medication that I will have to take for the rest of my life and I don’t want to be tethered to any doctors or medications. I want complete freedom and well being.
are the best years behind me
September 22, 2011
As I fight to remain healthy in body and spirit, my mind is playing a game in telling me that perhaps now as my body is fighting again another self inflicted disease, perhaps the best days are behind me. I’m not one to give up and as I write this it all seems very, very pathetic. I guess being repeatedly reminded of how much control I don’t have over my own body makes me angry and feeling helpless. And the fact that I may be doing something unintentionally to hurt it simply lays me on my ass – I believe myself to be a part of the conscious realm of life and not unconscious. But apparently I’m not.
Not Much Today
September 21, 2011
I had a fitful night of sleep so when morning came I was eager to get out of bed. I’ve showered, meditated, wrote in my journal in an attempt to jot down the dreams which pervailed all night, but no luck. They’ve escaped me as the sun rose.
Today is day 3 of my homeopathic supplements so although I have zero appetite, I will go upstairs and put together a breakfast in order to take the prescribed herbs. I have somewhat of a busy day so I am going to get to it.
Overwhelm
September 20, 2011
Yesterday I was in a total overwhelm. I woke up feeling angry and thinking of all the things that I wanted to do in Europe and didn’t. I was mad at the world. They thyroid hormones, or lack thereof, were showing. As the day progressed my emotions continued to swing from anger, to fear and then to complete hopelessness. Which for me can very, very bleak. I began to cry for no reason. I got in the shower and as I was getting dressed I began to shake – on the inside. I knew I had to not let my agenda to get to the homeopathic pharmacy in Santa Monica slip by again today. But the thought of driving all the way to Santa Monica (it’s only a 35 minute drive away – with traffic) pretty much paralyzed me. I had to ask for help. And I did. E had to attend his daughters Volleyball game and open house that evening but I asked early enough so he could be able to squeeze me in. I didn’t want to drive.
I met with the same pharmacist who had helped me with my RA supplements and she looked at all my blood work and confirmed that I do have Hashimoto’s Disease. She spent a considerable time more than her allotted 15 minutes with us and I have several other supplements to help me along. In addition to a new suggested dietary regime which will eliminate all gluten and diary including eggs. The diet to help re-start my insides and possibly help my body from self attacking. Perhaps there is something I am eating which my body assumes to be something else thus the attack begins.
I am a stubborn one and have heard for a number of years that dairy is not good for me. But I love butter. I will try again with a new resolve (because of a new disease) to eliminate dairy for good.
With E’s help and support I went to the grocery store and bought something I could make for dinner for me and E’s dad, J since E was going to be gone. I wanted to push through and make myself feel better. And with anxious overwhelm sitting on my right shoulder ready to attack at any moment, I searched a recipe that was manageable and forged ahead. And all thru making dinner, I paced myself and pushed at the same in an effort to get through to the emotion of completion. Dinner was wonderfully delicious to me and J enjoyed is as well.
The day ended well and the fact that I did not let the overwhelm consume me helped me today to know that I don’t have to hide under the covers for the sake of hiding. I have taken the herbs prescribed and I know that it will take a few days for them to take hold. My body is going through major changes and I am along for a bumpy roller-coaster of a ride. But what I do have control over is my ability to know and take action to feel better. And hopefully in that regard I can contribute to the major changes in my life by having confidence and reassurance that I can take care of me (with some help).
Overwhelm had me at the throat in the a.m. but I succeeded in not letting it have me all day.
STGANUGKJF
Frustrated
September 18, 2011
So as a result of my thyroid issue – I looked in the Louise L. Hay book You Can Heal Your Life to determine what is the cause of my newly diagnosed hypothyroidism and this is what it said; “Giving up. Feeling hopelessly stifled.”
OK – the areas I feel stifled:
- not writing – my fault
- being accepted as a true family member by the girls – yeah hopeless feeling and sometimes a strong desire to give it up
- my inability to save money
- my inability to be more health conscious
Her remedy is “I create a new life with new rules that totally support me.” I don’t even know where to begin with that one, honestly.
OK ways I am currently supported:
- 100% financially by E
OK – I guess I need to do another step before this and figure out how do I want/need support…
- Financial = E and me
- Emotional = E, my girl pals, Tina, and me
- Physical = E and me with acupuncture and trainer and doctor and Grinberg and Tanda and Daniel
- Psychological = me, my girl pals, E and Tina
Am I missing anything? I have a boat, no, a ship load of support, and yet I’m giving up?
It appears I am doing something wrong in that I have no more of a financial worrisome survivor need in that I am totally taken care of, but the fact that I am apparently giving up now baffles the fuck out of me. AND MAKES ME ANGRY! Not to mention thoroughly embarrassed at how poorly I am failing to make good with all the wonderful and powerful gifts I have been given. I remember wishing and telling myself that if I didn’t have to work I could accomplish so much. Or if I didn’t have to worry about money, I would be so happy and productive. Ha Ha Ha. Well those wishes have come true and I have succeeded at not a whole lot. Truly not a whole lot.
I had a conversation with a friend who told me my body has been in over-drive for many more years than I realize, and maybe she is right. I don’t have the crystal ball which determines that if I had stayed at my job that my body would not break down in any other “worse” way than it already has. But I do know that something in me has to change. I moved into a less demanding lifestyle 2 years ago. And within those 2 years I don’t know if my self demanding ways have changed or not. My mind certainly continues to have the very loud critical voice however, as I shared yesterday, it is a little less vocal.
I am a bit at a loss. This thyroid issue has slammed me on my ass. All I can think of is to do something different – or more of the same — just better. I don’t know.
at it again
September 17, 2011
last week E and I went to celebrate our anniversary – I say 3 years to include the year we began dating – he says 2 years from the time we moved in together – regardless we celebrated and that is what mattered. We enjoyed ourselves and rested. he took me to new places and familiar places and were happy. Exchanged wonderful cards and kissed a lot.
I took photographs of the wonderful nature and meditated a few times. I was in touch with me and what I wanted. The evening we had dinner with my brother and I was reminded of how much I miss and am so proud of him and his accomplishments so far. Also at how much I like being around him.
But as I waited for him to arrive in the bar of the restaurant I began to feel no one wants to be around me or really likes me. I’m only like-able because of my “work-ethic” or “good-girl” or “let me take care of you” personality. And because he’s been away at school, none of those personalities have been around him so of course he would not, could not like me. I caught myself so full of insecurities and doubt and a solid dose of self-hatred – I was momentarily paralyzed and lonely.
I also realized I had not felt it in a long time – took a long breath – and was able to separate the emotions and see them clearly and slowly extricate them and look at what was truly around me and what was/is real. When I saw him I was truly happy to see him and I had to continue to stay aware of those emotions and believe he was truly happy to see me. And again when he texted me to say he missed me already – first thought was to negate him and me of those feelings – but I was able to breach the old ways and start the new neuropath of good thoughts.
A Life Conflicted 