Does He Really Need To Understand…
June 3, 2016
In spending time with a very functional family, around well-adjusted, fun children (that of course are not mine – none for me in this lifetime), and having fun myself, I shared with my man how I am enjoying providing a safe place, fun space for children to be children.
Because my childhood was not a safe place, and because I did not have much of a childhood, getting beaten for being outside and playing with friends, as an adult I use to have a PTSD experience when I was with friends kids – couldn’t help but stare at them and wonder how could a “mother” beat a 4, 5, 10, 12-year-old good, little girl for being a kid – and I would have to leave.
But today I can actually be in the current moment fun, free of the fear I use to experience, the old history which use to live in me, a consequence of having fun. Today I can look at children and laugh, make them laugh and be present for their experience, not my history. By doing a lot of self-examination, dark healing work, I have learned how not to abandon myself and know I am a good person with a good heart, regardless of what my “mother” would tell me or how she saw me.
So in driving home, I was trying to explain this new healing state of being to my man and I could tell he was having trouble grasping it. Then I stopped. And this morning I began to ponder, do I really need or want him to know how brutal my childhood was? No. I do not want anyone to ever have that experience, hence my book and my willingness to talk about my experience – in hope of someone else not having it ever again…
What I do need him to do, and he has done extremely well, is just hug and love me up when I do feel sad or need the closeness of touch. He’s pretty awesome at that!
what a week it’s been
September 9, 2011
so again I am forced to stop and face what it is I am not doing correctly by way of my body giving me a “sharp” poke with it’s “health” stick! After two sets of blood work analysis, I have thyroid issues – or another “disease” – Hashimoto’s. If it weren’t for the blood work, I wouldn’t have noticed anything wrong because they are the same signs as the RA I already deal with – fatigue, loss of hair, body ache – but one thing has completely change is loss of appetite. That I am grateful for but I am eating nonetheless because I know better. There have been few moments of an unexplained headache and fatigue – but again the same for RA.
I am not at a loss but did have much anger for the 2 days after it was confirmed. I am better today – less anger – but have not yet taken the meds prescribed because I need to make a change on my own. Especially after reading over several articles that say once to take the meds, you will most likely have to take them for the rest of your life! I am already on a “rest of my life regime” and I don’t want another. At least not until I have done everything I need to do on my own to rectify this issue.
Because the thyroid is in the throat – one of my self healing actions will be to write more – USE MY VOICE – and let it out. I know this is one avenue I have toyed with for many years but what do I need an anvil to fall on my Wylie E Coyotoe head to get it – I need to speak out. Time for my fears of exposure and rejection to fade into the background and let healing take over.
Easier said than done – God give me strength to do this daily – Please help me.
A Life Conflicted 