2011 Ended on a HIGH – 2012 Began with a LOW
January 25, 2012
So I was super successful in my endeavors in bringing joy and more people into the home I live. But before I could host the party I had to bring the home back out from under spider webs and gray, dusty chandeliers. All this prep work began subconsciously and consciously in October 2011. And it was pretty much a full time job. We hired an actual cleaning woman (although keeping the existing one is painful). There were countless pieces of silver to polish and for the sheer idiotic fact I will not mention how many chandeliers there were to be cleaned by expert window washers (who will return in the Spring once the raining has ceased) All this work of making sure each room was dusted, vacuumed, all the bathrooms immaculately cleaned, floors polished etc etc. And thus all this culminated to a wonderful Christmas Party where the food was a hit as was all the lovely company. It may now be an annual event. (Much to my happy surprise).
It was a fabulous time and I loved it. And my health was great – no ache’s – no flare-ups – no RA. I was feeling fabulous.
However, January started and I have been in a low awful ache each day. And I can’t get around it…I am completely stumped and pissed-off at the same time. I am tired of hurting. Eat morning before I even open my eyes I will move my body and immediately feel the pain in my knees or in my shoulders or in my hand. My pain in my hands is a trip. It’s not just the knuckles that are in your hands at the base of your fingers, but the knuckles in the middle of each finger and hurt – I am exhausted. The shitty thing is by the end of the day I feel better and the ache has subsided so I fall asleep with the expectation that tomorrow when I wake up I will feel whole again only to have the pain travel to another part of my body!!
On January 12, 2006 I was diagnosed with RA – 6 years ago. I do believe this disease is a marker to show how I feel on the inside – that my psyche wants people to know how I ache on the inside – so my immune system attacks my joints. I just don’t have the wherewithall to understand right now what it is that I am beating myself up with. Am I in a fog with my insights? Usually I am not one to fear or run away from challenges and this has been a repeated daily challenge with no ease or release of pain. All I could imagine is to create some sort of structure in my daily life with morning stretches, meditation and writing and hope that I can put an end to this nagging ache.
Perhaps my self nagging nature of how I am not accomplishing anything daily towards my goal of writing my book is the catalyst of joint pain. Only one way to determine if that is true. Write every day. I already have the outline…..
The next 3 months
January 5, 2010
I believe that my auto-immune system has been in overdrive since 1967 when I was in utero. I believe I can heal my body by releasing all the stimulus it has carried and teach my body a new way of existing which is to simply exists = breath calmly; both a physical and a soul’s journey.
My friends and teachers have encouraged me to write my voice of my journey through my past and of my present. My primary focused today is in healing and ridding my body of Rheumatoid Arthritis. It is an auto-immune disease where my body attacks itself and eats away at all my joints, causing pain, inflammation, stiffness as well as night sweats and fatigue. I was diagnosed in 2006 and have experienced the gamut of highs and lows of this degenerative disease. My treatment has been both high and low weekly doses of Methotrexate (chemo) and every 6th week an infusion treatment called Remicade. Needless to say the weekly chemo makes me ill and fatigued, although I keep up a 40 hour work week. I’ve only missed work a few days when I’ve had bad flare-ups or nights without sleep, but no more than two days in a row.
My first emotional stage was fear and yet validation because finally there was something on the “outside” that identified how I felt all the time on the “inside.” Stiff, swollen, lethargic and in pain all the time. Although after I received the diagnosis, initially I vowed to not to let it stop my life and I continued with my set travel plans to ski in Vail two weeks later. I simply focused on trying to not be in pain and lived in the fear of when I would be in pain again.
Other emotional stages during flare-ups where I was unable to move either shoulders, or my hip or my jaw to eat or speak where feelings of wanting to die, depression, as well as feelings of defeat, helplessness and failure.
My current emotional and physical belief stage is that my body will heal itself and I will be done with RA and RA will be done with me. I’ve gained this insight by working with a Reiki master, receiving acupuncture, seeing therapists and for the past few months intensive weekly work with a practioner of the Grinberg Method. I also have a wonderful MD – a Rheumatologist – whom I see every 6 weeks. All of these individuals provide a bit of respite from either my physical dis-ease or my emotional dis-ease; some do both.
Over the years I have worked on removing the internal emotional pain that my external body seems to mirror and thus the effect is RA. I have made a further commitment to invest all my energy and resources to truly healing my body of RA.
For the next 3 months I am going to change my diet some more, write every day, exercise and truly delve into my bodies old pain, memories and fears with the goal of ridding my body of the disease of RA and heal it from the harmful side effects the medications which have served to stop the RA from wrecking my joints.
This will be a moment by moment journey and it will be what it will be. For today I can choose to take another step and look forward to where the road will take me.
A Life Conflicted 