A Life Conflicted

why do I fall again and again back to this fucking tragic tortured soul persona?  I hate it.  It makes me sick to think that my automatic reflex is fall to this pitiful woes me state of mind in hopes  it compels people to love me – would them pity my existence. pity my childhood, pity me.  Pity is not Love. Love is not pity but yet I go for it each time. and whose fault or reasoning or blame – no one by my own.  I maintain this trajectory – this neural path – this no thought default alive – and I am sick of it.

Yeah I have fears – I get sad and I know loneliness – but so does everyone else…..I am not special but i default to tragedy time and time again to make me special to make others propel my special needs.  To define me.

I’m tired.