A Life Conflicted

So I’m feeling physically better but don’t know how to emotionally feel about it. I’m in bed on a lovely Saturday morning and don’t want to get out. I feel heavy but I know it is all emotional weight and not physical. My pain teacher tells me my mind is part of my body yet I don’t want to connect the two.

My infusion treatments are reduced to every 8 weeks instead of every 6 weeks. This is because I physically feel better. I Feel Good. No aches; no flare-up; no fatigue from the methotrexate. There is nothing physically wrong with me. I am healthy!! So why am I so blue? I am healthy physically but why can’t I emotionally experience it.

Terror. Ruled by the terror of not knowing what will be. Or possibly ruled by the terror of knowing I am happy but it will all be taken away. This feels like old repressed memory of possibly having my favorite doll or blanky ripped out of my hands and thrown away never to be seen again because I was told to be strong and not weak by seeking comfort? It sure as hell feels that way. And today it backfires, because I want to cling to what I know to be true – don’t seek comfort and support because it wont last – that which doesn’t serve me anymore the gray truth that I am not enough and will always suffer – I have to forge new skin and I need to grab onto new white truth that I am well I am happy I am blessed and even possibly I am beautiful and have something to offer? Ha!